Work at the office was highly stressful on Friday, with numerous meetings during the morning in which most of the parties involved were not happy. I spent most of the morning justifying a sensitive position to upper management, and strategically expressing my discontent for decisions that were made for me. After lunch, I was walking in from having a cigarette and felt dizzy in the hallway. Thinking it was only a rare buzz from the nicotine, I returned to my desk which is located in an open environment surrounded by other employees. As I sat down, I feel that familiar out-of-body sensation and difficulty breathing.

I’m fairly experienced with a panic attack in the workplace, previously having several during office meetings. Being a hypochondriac as well, one of the first things I do during an attack is put my two fingers to my neck and feel my pulse.

The thought of getting up and leaving the office did cross my mind, but a panic attack during work isn’t always that easy. The fear of standing up and taking a couple of steps only to pass out isn’t the most thrilling idea. I hide the fact that I suffer from bipolar disorder and panic attacks from my co-workers, from fear of being viewed as sickly or crazy. It sounds stupid, but a person’s perception towards a top-performing employee can change when outside health factors are taken into account. Office politics themselves can be vicious and cut-throat, and ammunition towards me can greatly impact my method of making a living. It terrifies me to have the curse I live with daily exposed, especially since it has no impact on my actual work.

During a panic attack, I mentally go to my own “safe” place in my mind that calms and soothes me. This is really the only way I find relief, especially mentally battling the sensation that you are dying. After about 10 minutes, the attack had faded and I felt great. The calm after a panic attack is comparable to running 3 miles in the park, and experiencing the adrenaline and runner’s high. The entire experience is terrifying, especially within an environment that makes me feel so vulnerable, but the knowledge that the panic attack is over and undetected gives the greatest relief. I wrapped up the rest of the work day, and left early thinking “TGIF” as I reached my car in the parking lot.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages asking if I was alright, since it has been a while since the last post. To that guy who thought I killed myself, not a chance. The reason for the leave of absence was a severe low, or rather a depressed mental state. I had no motivation to write or blog about anything, and I became even more of a recluse. Many people have told me to have a successful blog, you have to blog every day or even a couple times a day. I really don’t care, and I’m not looking for a successful blog. The reason I write is to get thoughts out of my head and onto paper, as part of my own self-therapy. To those people who write me with their bipolar horror stories, my heart goes out to you. I am far from an expert and don’t always know how I can help, but I will try to answer when I can. For the most part, I am a somewhat unstable person trying to make it through the world myself. The good news is more posts are coming, for I’m out of the depression. It might only be a couple a week, but if you’re a fan of the site, I doubt you’ll mind.

So what have I missed in the last month? How about this Obama guy? I haven’t cared about politics before or even registered to vote. Maybe it is because our Country is so screwed up, but for some reason this election has captured my attention with the democratic race, and now I’m investigating John McCain. My feeling was that Hillary was a wrong choice, and I think it’s a good thing Obama won. I am not for McCain or Obama at this point, for I need to investigate further. The one thing that does interest me is how Obama is utilizing the media to the fullest for this election. The internet campaigning and utilization of YouTube is quite ingenious. I don’t believe the internet has been used to it’s full potential in an election to this point. Now that the power is unleashed, we will see every candidate doing the same thing. McCain will even step up and start using it more. This is a good thing, and it will help to get the facts and viewpoints of the candidates out to the citizens.

What does the future hold? I would love to see the ability to vote over the internet. I’ll probably register to vote this year and do it, but wouldn’t it be great if we could jump on the computer and plug in our social security number on a government site? Look at American Idol, and how 90 million people vote for singers using text messaging. I feel the impact would be great, if voting utilized phones, text messages, and the internet. There is the downside, where the voting can be more about voting for a candidate without knowing the facts. In the end, the benefits will greatly outweigh the downside. Lets continue to watch the election and make the right choice, and hopefully our new president can fix all of the mistakes that Frat boy Bush made!