Another panic attack at the office during work

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Work at the office was highly stressful on Friday, with numerous meetings during the morning in which most of the parties involved were not happy. I spent most of the morning justifying a sensitive position to upper management, and strategically expressing my discontent for decisions that were made for me. After lunch, I was walking in from having a cigarette and felt dizzy in the hallway. Thinking it was only a rare buzz from the nicotine, I returned to my desk which is located in an open environment surrounded by other employees. As I sat down, I feel that familiar out-of-body sensation and difficulty breathing.

I’m fairly experienced with a panic attack in the workplace, previously having several during office meetings. Being a hypochondriac as well, one of the first things I do during an attack is put my two fingers to my neck and feel my pulse.

I don’t actually count my pulse for a minute, I just like to feel if my heart is beating normal or rapidly. Obviously, you don’t want to take your pulse in the middle of the busy office. Instead, I secretly checked my pulse under the desk on my wrist. I’m not sure why this soothes me, perhaps it’s the reassurance that my heart isn’t going to explode and I’m not going to die. My entire body started to sweat, I could feel my dress shirt and slacks sticking to my skin. I stared at my computer screen as though I was actively engaged, and mentally kept telling myself that I was alright and it’ll soon pass.

The thought of getting up and leaving the office did cross my mind, but a panic attack during work isn’t always that easy. The fear of standing up and taking a couple of steps only to pass out isn’t the most thrilling idea. I hide the fact that I suffer from bipolar disorder and panic attacks from my co-workers, from fear of being viewed as sickly or crazy. It sounds stupid, but a person’s perception towards a top-performing employee can change when outside health factors are taken into account. Office politics themselves can be vicious and cut-throat, and ammunition towards me can greatly impact my method of making a living. It terrifies me to have the curse I live with daily exposed, especially since it has no impact on my actual work.

During a panic attack, I mentally go to my own “safe” place in my mind that calms and soothes me. This is really the only way I find relief, especially mentally battling the sensation that you are dying. After about 10 minutes, the attack had faded and I felt great. The calm after a panic attack is comparable to running 3 miles in the park, and experiencing the adrenaline and runner’s high. The entire experience is terrifying, especially within an environment that makes me feel so vulnerable, but the knowledge that the panic attack is over and undetected gives the greatest relief. I wrapped up the rest of the work day, and left early thinking “TGIF” as I reached my car in the parking lot.

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Posted by Jason Screeb · May 1, 2010

Filed Under Bipolar, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks

Comments

5 Responses to “Another panic attack at the office during work”

  1. Riff Johnson on May 2nd, 2010 11:52 am

    I send prayers and blessings out to you.

  2. Riff Johnson on May 2nd, 2010 12:09 pm

    I have bipolar and panic attackes/dizzyness too. I am on lithium, geodon, paroxetine and zyprexa. Alot of times it’s hard to leave my house (apartment). It’s good that you can write about it.

  3. Jason Screeb on May 2nd, 2010 12:46 pm

    Thank you Riff, I appreciate the blessings.

  4. Jason Screeb on May 2nd, 2010 12:47 pm

    It’s hard for me to leave the apartment as well. I’m very much a homebody as they say, well a recluse to be accurate.

  5. Readapalooza – Mother’s Day Edition | Bipolarette on May 9th, 2010 3:14 pm

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